Wierd ' Indian ' tendencies

20 things that tell you, you are in India :

1. Arre, new mobile ? Awesome, kitne mein kharida ? 20,000 bucks ? Arre, my friend bought the same thing for 19850 at another place .............

2. You hear, "Arre....."

3. Once,the signal at a busy junction flashes 'red', cars stop after 4 minutes to obey traffic rules.

4. Vehicles stop over the zebra crossing and maybe the occasional pedestrian.

5. People love to cross the road when vehicles are actually in motion and speeding.

6. People throw garbage right next to the bin, but never in it.

7. If you are a foreigner, u'll find somebody who wants to rape you right now!

8. Parents want to relive their own marriage experience by choosing the girl/boy who would spend their life with their children.

9. When you hear , " No issues ! "

10. Some stupid nuts love to eat 'sandwis' and 'dhosa' for dinner.

11. Your ride feels like u went 10 feet under the ground and came up suddenly because of a huge pothole.

12. You see how even a half an hour rainfall span makes people swim through flooded streets.

13. People love to compete over things like a seat on a bus, train etc.

14. If you are a woman and wanted something to relieve you of that itch on your butt, somebody does it for free on a crowded street.

15. People love to bargain,even for chewing gum.

16. You are sitting in a train and somebody suddenly puts a briefcase on your lap and starts dealing out shuffled playing cards.

17. A minimum of 78,25,34,56,76,499 people will gather around you from no where if they see you with a TV camera and a mike.

18. People keep searching for things in their mobile phone all the time.

19. You'd find a slum settlement that is 10 storeys high right next to another building which is 10 storeys high.

20. Poeple want their wives to only give birth to guys and frown when they find out that some men actually have sex with other men.

Sticks, them three

A Black fence holds me back,

A green top I can see.

Kids in white playing along,

A red ball in front of me.

Takes me back to them old times,

Where cricket was, I would be.

A golden bat , a blue eyed boy,

before those sticks, them three.......

Dad said a plain old " NO !",

' Bout playing with your life you don't know,

Life never waited for no one , no,

You die your death or go with the flow.

But even then I would flee,

To someplace I knew that I would be.

A golden bat , a blue eyed boy,

Before those sticks, them three .......

But life's winds blew me the other way,

So cricket was right out of my fray.

A bag to work made me go,

Away from my green top floor.

But throw them away I will for sure,

Away to the place I want to be.

A golden bat, a blue eyed boy,

Before those sticks , them three.

Black holes ......

Tada .......... Cut back to 1974 . Stephen Hawking talks and publishes the first theory about his understanding of the " mystical black hole " in outer space ! Clap,clap, clap !!!! Critical acclaim, scientific acclaim, every other acclaim comes his way ! Sir, tussi great ho ! Its because of you that we Mumbaikars have realised the importance of our own ones !!!!

Black holes ? I am 'totALLlly paagol' as my choicest Bengali friend says, but then am I ? Actually, the real reason I began to harp about the black hole was the fact that I actually had my outer space experience, right here in the great city of dreams , Mumbai ! I was actually rocked back and forth in my space shuttle, " the rickshaw " close to Andheri station , on the great fucking Western Express 'High'way . I could actually pick my favorite black holes from the selection of the big craters , " our indigenous black holes " on the god freaking highway! Big fucks, we, the pilot and the passenger, used this wondrous opportunity, to go ' Mumbai Idol ' ishtyle and actually go judge our candidates ! After careful consideration, we realised that the winner has to be the one on the road right next to the entrance to Cine Magic, Andheri ! You want to know why ? Well the decision was unanimous because of the unparalleled experience as follows :

• The initial buildup before the huge black hole actually came in, was amazing ! You feel tiny, ticklish tremors no wonder how tight your underwear is, small shocks to the nuts charging you up !
• Then the momentum builds up with even bigger shocks cos 'bigger the better', they say. Actually this black hole came in a close second because maybe one of my nuts then just went semi blue. I gotta feeling ! Black eyed peas, anyone ????.......
• Just when we were on the brink of declaring our winner, we began to feel this tremendous rushing pain hitting up with the force of our vehicle getting stuck in the biggest freaking crater of them all ! The actual outer space experience. They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you are about die, I wanted to use euphemism, but what the heck ! This one almost robbed me of the joy of a future fatherhood , I must say ! The rushing pain, both of us the pilot and passenger with our eyes rolled up , yelling like never before , pain , shock, scare, the rushing pain starting at the back of your asshole and then up your nuts really, god freaking really needs a special mention !!!!! And hands down, we had our winner !!!!!

But then , pain gives you inspiration to think and it got my mind rolling to unchartered territory. Picture this , a pregnant lady and I mean really pregnant who needs to get to the hospital to deliver. She and her family can't afford the super suspension SUV ride to get her driven to the hospital so that she doesn't feel the jerks that could decide her baby's future, her future, her family's future. With the crater ride in Mumbai, she's sure to get the baby delivered in the rickshaw or maybe suffer a miscarriage. Mobile hospitals ! Situation 2, old man with slipped disc needs to get around. Uncle, " your back is toh gone only "! Imagine the accidents that can occur putting a lot of life at peril. But who is going to rid them and us of this mess ? Is it the BMC or the MMRDA ? Or maybe it the average politician who takes the 3 minute Honda city ride to Mantralaya from his bungalow at Nariman Point ! I am sure he'll know about the black hole situation in Mumbai ! Better still, it maybe the central government, after all its their help that we'll need when we need to beg for money from the world bank, again to make even better craters ! Naa, our locals can't be contacted, since they are busy making Mumbai, 'Shag'high , I presume ! What to do ? Oh, what to do ? Stephen Sahab, I guess we need a Mumbai hole theory now .............

So un-fare .............

Yipee...........

" Fare hikes from tomorrow ", the newspapers read out aloud . Two days of not having rickshaws and two days of taxis off roads. Union leaders/ politicians with selfish motives win after two days of harrowed public transport experiences. Smile, smile you taxi drivers and smile, smile the rickshaw buggers.................You get to squeeze us even more now.

Cut two, lets see how has the fare hike so well fought for, changes the commuter experience for the great city of Mumbai ?

" Bhai sahab , dadadada nagar ? ". The sly bastard replies with a worthless "click " (in short, bugger- off, who wants to go there ?) The old lady with vegetables in her hand, on the wrong side of age is struggling to multi task. She's got to cross the road, hold those heavy bags and then try to climb the bus because the last 20 minutes have yielded no success in trying to get umpteen rickshaw drivers to do what they are supposed to do, ferry people, no matter where as long as it is in Mumbai city Muncipal limits. Oh and yes, the responses are very innovative too..They'd vary from a swift drive away, to a nay saying nodding head to maybe a fuckall reason. But this works for the rickshaw guys and taximen who face no opposition from the commuter, because maybe, they were not in the mood for an argument to screw their happiness early in the morning. But for the gritty customer who would not go without an argument, these fuckers employ a different strategy. You ask them if they are in the mood to do you a favour and they reply with " Nahi bahut traffic hain ". Or an even more innovative " Gas nahi hain ". Perhaps the most amazing presence of mind is demonstrated with the " Bahut thakk gaya hoon " alibi.

Let me see if I can think of something to help you lazy, manipulative bastards. You could try putting up a board with a standard chart of names of say roads, localities, complexes, areas, if you will. These will tell us , hopeful , poor, commuters of the possibility of a favour that you will do on to us. This will be a list of the areas that you would most willingly "agree" to ply to and drop us. So whenever we need a ride, we'll read up the board and then dare to ask you. Also , I'd request you to put up timings on the board of the times that you would want to rest, go to some specific places etc, information that would help us make sure that you serve us only when u feel like it so that we don't disturb your plans of sight seeing or any other wasteful activity you'd want to do . Sounds good ?

So it finally boils down to this - You know that if you incapacitate us , Mumbai's infrastructure is so horrid that there is no other alternative to you than to ride the train and bus. You stay off roads and get the city to a grinding halt because you dont give a fuck for what the commuter faces or where he wants to go . You charge us more, to earn more , saying it is your right to lead a life of dignity. But in the end we get a raw deal. Eventhough its our money that fuels your livelihood, we still have to beg to get around. We still have to put up with your lousy behaviour and ask for your willingness to do something. We gotta take your shit to get you to do something that you should do without moving so much so as an eyelid. But no more. Unless we give these buggers back in kind we wont get anywhere. So fuck you you freaks, I'm coming for you and I won't ask you for a favour. I'll ask you to do what you are supposed to do and you will take me where I want to .... Other wise , I ll make sure you go to the India's second best place - the police station.

That feeling for my sister - chronology of events

1989.... Her day starts off with a bunch of newly formed, little fingers trying to hold on to whatever is right in front of her. Her big, brown eyes twinkling, trying to digest all that the world has to offer them. A red ball, a flying paper, the hair on somebody's leg, all seem amusing to those little pearls of joy ! Everything is a new story, everything is something that brings up a smile. A wierd hyena type noise fills up the room every time somebody lifts her up and tosses her in the air ....

1992.... her first haircut, dad is holding her. "No worries," he says. "She's a fighter, not like you. You cried like a baby when you had your first haircut !" (By the way, I WAS a baby then ! ) Then suddenly, a round face under a cricket cap that umpires wear , seems to move. "Daddy, I want wallipa (lollipop). I did'nt cry." 10 mins later 3 musketeers armed with 2 ice creams and 1 wallipa ,1 esctatic,1 shamed and 1 who didn't care about anything other than the wallipa walk back home.

1996.... captured fully in a photograph. Two shirtless siblings sitting on chairs are enjoying ice-creams. One has orange icecream all over his body and she is the poster girl for chocolate ice-cream. The ice cream stick looks like a huge baton in her hand..... Cutest fingers ever ..... But I was jealous of the fact that you were the apple of everybody's eyes. That people thought you were far cuter and that you got everything you wanted.... It led to us fighting every time.....

2001... We realized that for the first time we can have the same opinion on something. Two siblings who used to fight with each other for everything , came together in grief, we lost our grandma. We knew that keeping the family upbeat was what was the order of the day and I am amazed at the level of maturity you showed , sister.........

2010 and still continuing...... You are a strong, mature and good hearted woman. For me you will be the kid, but I ll try to get around that. I wish you all the best for the future and only hope that whatever happens , we'll be there for each other... God bless you kiddo.........

The kid inside ........

"Saheb , paalish ? Karo naa, sahab. Ek dum chakachak karega." I was fidgeting with my phone, don't know what I was searching for in the god forsaken thing, but I was hooked to it. I didn't budge. A small, frail creature's hand reaches for my shirt, tugs at it. I get irritated. Look up with the most intimidating face I could ever produce, sort of like when you haven't answered an urgent nature's call for quite sometime, move my hand away hard and fast..He had to let go. And then suddenly the most innocent pair of twinkling eyes hit me, stun me and I can't continue. Hunger, poverty,misery, destitution, all of them right there in those black pearls. It was then that I realised what I had done. He stood there, standing with a bag in one hand and a wooden stand meant for shoes..Something came over me, a strong feeling, something weird that made me cry inside. With a choked voice, I managed a meagre, "Chottu, kuch khaya kya ? Bhoonk lagi hain ?" Surprised , he looked at me in disbelief, almost as if he had seen a ghost. I smirked,it was my turn now to return the favour. I put all that I had in my voice and went again ," Abe, khayega kya ?" He nodded in the affirmative, with tears and replied,"Pichle teen dino se bhoonka hoon. Woh daadhi wala mere saare paise le jaata hain aur bas ek pav khilata hain. Maarta bhi hain." Both of us walked down the street. I watched in silence as I stood looking at the small thing devour a vada pao with such gusto. "Aur?" Three down and a big smile, all for me..............

The kid got me to think, how many of such kids would be on the streets ? How many of them would be easy pickings for drug addicts, pimps and paedophiles ? All of them should have been in school, studying, fortifying their future, our country's future, but instead they are forced to beg,have sex, work at such tender ages, when they don't even know what is going on around them..........

Come to think of it, what an amazing time I had as a kid. Daddy I want "this" and daddy gets "this" for me. Momma ran behind me just to grapple me to the ground and force me to open my mouth so that she could feed me that one last morsel of rice. Granny's lap was my fantasy land stop, where I played with all my make believe friends and enemies - fairies, kings, queens and dragons, trolls. Yeah God met me there too........ But for them .......???? Simply nothing..... All of them just prey to the harshest side of reality that life is a bitch and a bad one at that.

Is this our dream for the future ? Is this what the "Sarva Shikshan Abhiyaan" aims at ?How many of these kids will be able to get a decent education, maybe learn to write their names for starters ? How many times will a pair of love bereft eyes stare at us before we understand what they go through ? How many kids can we keep feeding every time we encounter one of them?

My way out is, I CRY for them, Oh, yes I do...... My pa showed me the way.

The 'I's need eyes ...... !!!!!!!!

" Thank you so much, it was a pleasure interacting with you !" Meeting done. I leave the Times of India Building at CST. Normal .Walk with my friend up to the parking lot and talk about how fucked the day was. Jokes about women, children, bull shitty clients, my boss follow. I call up my friend who used to work at the same place I just visited, badmouth him. All normal. Take a cab ride up to Churchgate station, its close to 6:50 pm then. Read the indicators, being pushed and shuffled around, make my selection, board a train and head home. Everyday scene, fight for a seat, sit and go home, reach tired. Normal still. Then I switch on the TV, my hands turn cold, terrorists , people being held hostage, news reporters, cameramen, running behind whatever they can get , nobody knows whats going on, nobody knows what hit them. The funny part is , we still don't..............

Three days plus done, the terrorists now eat dust and lay dead. The commandos did a great job, everybody ecstatic..... Yippee !!!! But we are still misinformed , we're still sitting ducks and tomorrow if any other mother-fucking zealot thinks he can screw our much talked about "secular" fabric, the fact simply is , he can !!!!! Period. And then you, me and every educated , but still ignorant fool will still blame the politician we see on TV or know the name of.


Why ? Because we are a democracy, because everybody has rights, everybody has an opinion. Every orange clad, or green clad or whatever clad god-man can come up to a dais and spread hate. Whats more, people listen to them. Whats more, politicians allow them.Whats more, we begin to hate each other because of the food we eat, because of the dress we wear, cos of the language we speak, because of the freaking state we belong to. Then we have them smart, sophisticated MBA newsreaders on TV who call people from various walks of life for an opinion and don't let them say a thing, but have time for their, " But, but, buts, no, no, nos ........ and we're really out of time". They air commandos moving in to strategic positions to clear out areas in terrorist-hit locales, real time. The terrorists for god sakes had satellite phones, didn't these assholes ever realize that they might have the intelligence to switch on a TV and watch ? So much for a responsible media.The average middle class bugger wants to light a candle and show solidarity . Good, but the asshole sitting cozily in his 2 BHK flat won't vote , but will blame the politician for the roads, for the freaking corruption plaguing our system and still pay the policeman a 100 to let him go scot - free. We don't know what constituency we belong to, whose collar needs a grabbing if your " civic problems" aren't solved, but ask the average guy on the road, "Who is responsible ?"and pat comes the answer - "The politicians." Why, because "Civics" was worth bloody 20 marks out of a 100 mark paper, why should we have cared ? Well those gun wielding zombies gave us a reason and a bloody good reason at that. But that doesn't mean that the politicians were at no fault at all. No sir, no way. Even when the operations were still going on, shameless politicos reached before hand to abuse the government manning the crisis and to show the cameras that they were there at the right time, when it mattered - just like the terrorists did, to show us we're weak, we can't do anything but be beaten. Hell,they are so progressive in thought that even directors were given a place for their creative juices to flow - the disaster may provide them inspiration !!! Oh and not to mention some of them also thought and said - such small things always happen !!!!! Are YOU kidding me ? Are YOU mocking all those who lost their kids, moms, dads, aunties, uncles, brothers , sisters, those who cried blood ? Are you freaking kidding India ? 60 plus years of independence for this ?

I am also equally responsible,I am also a huge part of the problem, because I might write but when you have to clean a gutter , you have to go into it first and I won't get in.What I'll do is - talk about it and light candles. My job is to blame. My job is to be unconcerned. Its so easy to do anything in Mumbai , because even if my neighbor sits and devises things that can kill, hurt and finish humankind, I'd never know. I am so busy, so absorbed in the rat race to live that somewhere down the line I stopped being aware. I stopped realizing that sitting on problems don't make them go away to some magical land, but come back bigger, complex and stare me in the face so close, to a point where I can't do anything , but be hurt, raped,abused, and killed. I won't evolve. I won't budge. But the time has come now for the 'I's and the 'We's to open our eyes to the reality that stalks us, like a predator out to kill, to devour us, devour India and all that we fought to painstakingly build,admire and cherish ..............

Today I will make a promise though.......I swear to standby , be more aware, take part and protect whats mine, whats yours and every Indian's ...... A progressive, mature,strong, calm, peaceful and forgiving India ........My India, Our India . Pile them up, give me your hands, blood brothers and sisters !