Black holes ......

Tada .......... Cut back to 1974 . Stephen Hawking talks and publishes the first theory about his understanding of the " mystical black hole " in outer space ! Clap,clap, clap !!!! Critical acclaim, scientific acclaim, every other acclaim comes his way ! Sir, tussi great ho ! Its because of you that we Mumbaikars have realised the importance of our own ones !!!!

Black holes ? I am 'totALLlly paagol' as my choicest Bengali friend says, but then am I ? Actually, the real reason I began to harp about the black hole was the fact that I actually had my outer space experience, right here in the great city of dreams , Mumbai ! I was actually rocked back and forth in my space shuttle, " the rickshaw " close to Andheri station , on the great fucking Western Express 'High'way . I could actually pick my favorite black holes from the selection of the big craters , " our indigenous black holes " on the god freaking highway! Big fucks, we, the pilot and the passenger, used this wondrous opportunity, to go ' Mumbai Idol ' ishtyle and actually go judge our candidates ! After careful consideration, we realised that the winner has to be the one on the road right next to the entrance to Cine Magic, Andheri ! You want to know why ? Well the decision was unanimous because of the unparalleled experience as follows :

• The initial buildup before the huge black hole actually came in, was amazing ! You feel tiny, ticklish tremors no wonder how tight your underwear is, small shocks to the nuts charging you up !
• Then the momentum builds up with even bigger shocks cos 'bigger the better', they say. Actually this black hole came in a close second because maybe one of my nuts then just went semi blue. I gotta feeling ! Black eyed peas, anyone ????.......
• Just when we were on the brink of declaring our winner, we began to feel this tremendous rushing pain hitting up with the force of our vehicle getting stuck in the biggest freaking crater of them all ! The actual outer space experience. They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes when you are about die, I wanted to use euphemism, but what the heck ! This one almost robbed me of the joy of a future fatherhood , I must say ! The rushing pain, both of us the pilot and passenger with our eyes rolled up , yelling like never before , pain , shock, scare, the rushing pain starting at the back of your asshole and then up your nuts really, god freaking really needs a special mention !!!!! And hands down, we had our winner !!!!!

But then , pain gives you inspiration to think and it got my mind rolling to unchartered territory. Picture this , a pregnant lady and I mean really pregnant who needs to get to the hospital to deliver. She and her family can't afford the super suspension SUV ride to get her driven to the hospital so that she doesn't feel the jerks that could decide her baby's future, her future, her family's future. With the crater ride in Mumbai, she's sure to get the baby delivered in the rickshaw or maybe suffer a miscarriage. Mobile hospitals ! Situation 2, old man with slipped disc needs to get around. Uncle, " your back is toh gone only "! Imagine the accidents that can occur putting a lot of life at peril. But who is going to rid them and us of this mess ? Is it the BMC or the MMRDA ? Or maybe it the average politician who takes the 3 minute Honda city ride to Mantralaya from his bungalow at Nariman Point ! I am sure he'll know about the black hole situation in Mumbai ! Better still, it maybe the central government, after all its their help that we'll need when we need to beg for money from the world bank, again to make even better craters ! Naa, our locals can't be contacted, since they are busy making Mumbai, 'Shag'high , I presume ! What to do ? Oh, what to do ? Stephen Sahab, I guess we need a Mumbai hole theory now .............

So un-fare .............

Yipee...........

" Fare hikes from tomorrow ", the newspapers read out aloud . Two days of not having rickshaws and two days of taxis off roads. Union leaders/ politicians with selfish motives win after two days of harrowed public transport experiences. Smile, smile you taxi drivers and smile, smile the rickshaw buggers.................You get to squeeze us even more now.

Cut two, lets see how has the fare hike so well fought for, changes the commuter experience for the great city of Mumbai ?

" Bhai sahab , dadadada nagar ? ". The sly bastard replies with a worthless "click " (in short, bugger- off, who wants to go there ?) The old lady with vegetables in her hand, on the wrong side of age is struggling to multi task. She's got to cross the road, hold those heavy bags and then try to climb the bus because the last 20 minutes have yielded no success in trying to get umpteen rickshaw drivers to do what they are supposed to do, ferry people, no matter where as long as it is in Mumbai city Muncipal limits. Oh and yes, the responses are very innovative too..They'd vary from a swift drive away, to a nay saying nodding head to maybe a fuckall reason. But this works for the rickshaw guys and taximen who face no opposition from the commuter, because maybe, they were not in the mood for an argument to screw their happiness early in the morning. But for the gritty customer who would not go without an argument, these fuckers employ a different strategy. You ask them if they are in the mood to do you a favour and they reply with " Nahi bahut traffic hain ". Or an even more innovative " Gas nahi hain ". Perhaps the most amazing presence of mind is demonstrated with the " Bahut thakk gaya hoon " alibi.

Let me see if I can think of something to help you lazy, manipulative bastards. You could try putting up a board with a standard chart of names of say roads, localities, complexes, areas, if you will. These will tell us , hopeful , poor, commuters of the possibility of a favour that you will do on to us. This will be a list of the areas that you would most willingly "agree" to ply to and drop us. So whenever we need a ride, we'll read up the board and then dare to ask you. Also , I'd request you to put up timings on the board of the times that you would want to rest, go to some specific places etc, information that would help us make sure that you serve us only when u feel like it so that we don't disturb your plans of sight seeing or any other wasteful activity you'd want to do . Sounds good ?

So it finally boils down to this - You know that if you incapacitate us , Mumbai's infrastructure is so horrid that there is no other alternative to you than to ride the train and bus. You stay off roads and get the city to a grinding halt because you dont give a fuck for what the commuter faces or where he wants to go . You charge us more, to earn more , saying it is your right to lead a life of dignity. But in the end we get a raw deal. Eventhough its our money that fuels your livelihood, we still have to beg to get around. We still have to put up with your lousy behaviour and ask for your willingness to do something. We gotta take your shit to get you to do something that you should do without moving so much so as an eyelid. But no more. Unless we give these buggers back in kind we wont get anywhere. So fuck you you freaks, I'm coming for you and I won't ask you for a favour. I'll ask you to do what you are supposed to do and you will take me where I want to .... Other wise , I ll make sure you go to the India's second best place - the police station.